We're going to throw some numbers at you.
Five pigs, five chefs, five wineries. Ten cities, 20 judges, 400 pork-hungry people.
And, by the transitive properties of pigging out, that somehow equals Cochon 555.
We didn't major in math, but we can still define that equation for you: It's the biggest, the piggiest, and the most delicious food fest-meets-competition you've ever seen.
Starting in New York City next month, Cochon 555 will debut a tartare bar and a mezcal cocktail competition in addition to its day-long other-white-meat offerings from heritage breeds. The steel-stomached can hit up a butcher demonstration before throwing back oysters and ice-cold beer.
And yes, there will be "pork-spiked desserts."
That insanity then travels, in order, to Atlanta, Vail, CO, Seattle, Boston, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Aspen.
So if you live in Waikiki or Wasilla, we're sorry. But if you don't dawdle, there might still be time to buy a plane ticket on top of your pork pass.