Between Eddie Murphy's exit as host over Brett Ratner's little f-word faux pas and the fact that Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close even got a nod, the 2012 Academy Awards promises to be a glorious crapshow.
But don't just down the bottle at the sight of Joan Rivers' craggy deathmask working the red carpet. Pace yourself with our Oscars drinking game.
First, pick your poison. Our suggestions: Champagne for The Artist; Mai Tais for The Descendants; SoCo for The Help; Hemingway daiquiris for Midnight in Paris; cans of MGD for Moneyball; bourbon for Tree of Life; and an old cask of brandy for War Horse. (If Extremely Loud wins anything, punish yourself with cough syrup.)
Grumpy Old Man
1 drink if Billy Crystal launches into one of his endless Best Picture montages (and 2 more drinks if Whoopi or Steve Martin join in).
Superbad or Seventh Seal?
1 bitter, bitter drink if Jonah Hill wins an Oscar over anyone but Max von Sydow, which we can't believe we're actually saying.
Race Relations, Solved (Again)
1 drink if The Help wins another victory for white women who help black people in movies (see: The Blind Side, Crash).
It's the Pitts
1 drink if any Brad Pitt film wins anything, and two if he's sporting a billygoat beard.
The Brokeback Mountain Award
1 drink if a straight actor wins for playing a gay character (Glenn Close, Christopher Plummer, Janet McTeer).
1 drink if elusive Tree of Life director Terrence Malick even shows up.
A Merciful Nightcap
5 more drinks to knock yourself out if the show isn't over by midnight.*
*We don't recommend this.
The 84th Academy Awards
Sunday, 7p EST on ABC