According to a well-known matchmaking service, these are LA's top ten hotels for illicit hookups. Hardly. With high-traffic hotels on their list (The Beverly Wilshire? The Standard?), it looks more like the top ten places to get caught.
If you're going to risk it, don't be K-Stewpid. Here are four down-low spots free from paparazzi, business acquaintances, and anyone who would care.
Beverly Hills: Maison 140
An ideal decoy, this European-style boutique hotel is within creeping distance of all the big talent agencies (and all the big obvious hotels). Slip into the tiny downstairs bar for a discreet drink, then it's into the tight, two-person elevator for pre-game. Formerly tricked out in a Kubrick-meets-Helmut Newton style, the recently upgraded rooms now sport a vintage Parisian style, courtesy of Kelly Wearstler. You packed the maid outfit, right?
140 Lasky Dr. (310-281-4000)
Studio City: Sportsmen's Lodge
No lie, 100 years ago, this place was called "Hollywood Trout Farm." Now it's the place to take your trout-lipped soccer mom. Cruise over the hill on Coldwater to Ventura, where you'll find eight acres and a pool. The place hasn't been upgraded since the '70s, making it look like the Love Boat washed up in the Valley. And the only photographic evidence you'll need to worry about is possibly being asked to take a snapshot of tourists headed to Universal Studios.
12825 Ventura Blvd. (800-821-8511)
LAX: Miyako Hybrid Hotel
Sure, you could go to one of the many chains around the airport, but just 15 minutes south of LAX lies true Tokyo kink. The name is apt, as this recently opened hotel provides a mix of American and Asian hospitality, including spa services and sushi. You'll want to experiment with the futuristic toilets, but the bathroom's best feature is a wall of glass so you can watch someone soap up from bed. Go ahead and sleep in -- your partner thinks you're on the redeye to New York anyway.
21381 S. Western Ave., Torrance (310-212-5111)
Santa Monica: Sheraton Delfina
Sure, Shutters is a romantic staycation go-to, but use your other head: Only out-of-towners go to the Sheraton. Enjoy a poolside cocktail in your private cabana before heading up to your Sheraton Sweet Sleeper bed with views of the Pacific. Then close the blinds and do whatever you want, as loud as you want, because the Chinese tourists in the next room definitely don't know you. It's a Sheraton, so rest assured it's clean enough that you won't come home with bedbugs. Just make sure you don't come home with anything else.
530 Pico Blvd. (310-399-9344)