River North is where you go to drink vodka and dance to house music with girls in black dresses that would make their mothers cry.
So, there's that. But there's also this.
Sub out the Red Bull vodka for tropical coladas, replace the bass with a ukulele, and you have Three Dots and a Dash — your new tropical escape from the same old Chicago scene.
Grab your first mate and lead her down the pitch-black stairwell lit by glowing blue skulls. This could be a movie set, but it's not. It's simply where glass orbs and tiki torches light the way to your corner booth, where you'll be waited on by beautiful women in not much clothing.
You'll need that mood lighting to read your treasure map, where X marks the spot on traditional Mai Thais, extra boozy whiskey and tequila concoctions, and best of all, punch bowls — porcelain pirate ships full of rum, fresh squeezed juices, and orange peel flowers.
Seriously, though, this place plays it right for a great time. The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise might have faded, but in here you're Johnny Depp.
If you insist on staining your ruffled pirate shirt, choose among crab rangoon, curry chicken skewers, and coconut shrimp. When your Dom Perignon-filled treasure chest of champagne and human skulls arrives, don’t forget an order of the Negamaki-style beef and foie gras Musubi on the side.
Because who needs bottle service when you have treasure chest service?
Price: 3 (out of 4)
Noise: 3 (out of 4)
Subway: Brown Line to Merchandise Mart
Scene: Cocktail nerds geeking out over tiki drinks and club kids still looking for vodka
Best bet: Three Dots and a Dash cocktail; Saturn cocktail; Bunny's Banana Daiquiri
Nearby: Bub City; Frontera Grill; Paris Club