The good news: we found you an amazing boat.
The even better news: it doesn't actually take you anywhere.
The best news: you won't mind that last part a bit when you're in an outdoor whirlpool bath overlooking the St. Lawrence River, with a beautiful woman whispering something lovely (we think) in French in your ear.
Welcome to Bota Bota, the anchored barge-cum-luxury spa in the Old Port of Montreal where the only destination is relaxation.
You will, however, be moving around — mainly through the Nordic bath circuit. Don't worry, it's not exactly grueling stuff: 10 minutes in the steam bath or dry sauna to flush out toxins, a quick dip in the cold bath to get your heart pumping, and then resting in a robe on one of the five decks.
Your journey lasts as long as you care to indulge in the range of massage, yoga, and spa treatment options available, but should always end in the same way: discussing other forms of, uh, physical treatments with your new friend over a glass of prosecco in the restaurant lounge.
After that, it's smooth sailing.
Price: From $35